My Pride Won't Let Me...
So I was scrolling through my Twitter TL, (Timeline) as you do if you are a Twitter user and I came across something that made me laugh, smile, critique and cry all in one go. I laughed because well... it turns out I'm not the only one who gets their heartbroken from time to time and I'm also not the only one who can find a little bit of humor in the process.
I was critical because well... shouldn't I be above such f*ckery? I don't mean it in a cocky way but I mean why would someone want to make me cry is my point and what's so wrong with me that I would even feel the need to cry over a boy?
I cried because well... I didn't really shed proper tears but I was starring blank at the wall ready to let some tear balls drip down my cheeks. Thank heavens I wasn't wearing any makeup. Crying and makeup don't go together. The little balls of tears didn't fall because my pride gate crashed my pity party, as it always does whenever I'm hosting a pity party. For the purpose of this post pride is defined by dictionary.com as consciousness of one's own dignity.
My pride has an alter ego. It's hard to explain but let me put it this way; for those of you who might be familiar with Tyler Perry's work, Madea, is a character embodied by Perry himself in his plays/films. Madea sums up what my pride is like.
My pride doesn't hold back. We sometimes hear people talking about pride as a terrible thing to have and yes it can be at times depending on the circumstances but in my case it's often truly a blessing. Well at least I think it is.
When it comes to my relationships with friends/love interests, my pride is good for a couple of things:
My pride won't let me beg a man who does not want to be with me.
My pride won't let me ask too many questions or probe for detailed answers from people who have shown me their true colors once. After all Maya Angelou did stress that, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Don't wait for round two to confirm what you already knew. But if you're like me, you will often find it difficult to not give people second chances. A part of you will also always want to believe the best about your love interest or friend. That's why you need pride. Pride will shut that shit down in a heartbeat if you just allow it to.
I could go on about ALL the things my pride won't let me do and the other things my pride does advocate for, but that would make for a lengthy post and I like to keep things short. Bottom line is, aspects of my pride are just so beautiful. The sad thing is I don't always listen to my pride the first time. It takes about 3 shots for me to finally let my pride run the show.
So back to why I didn't cry this time round. I didn't cry because I finally listened to my pride the first time. It was hard listening to my pride because the person my pride was telling me to kick to the curb was the person who brought so much joy into my life. He ticked most of my boxes and we got along so well. We had spent so much time investing in what could have been a GREAT relationship, but shoulda, coulda, woulda right?
At the end of it all, he chose someone else. Just like that. Bam! Even my pride had nothing to say for several minutes, while we both sat there and digested the fact that yes, the guy I liked so much did not choose ME! I was not his first preference but he had the audacity to make ME his second preference, by offering me his friendship. I was livid! I said no! I'm not even sure if I said no or if my pride said no but the answer was still no.
As if he hadn't already tried to knock my pride down low enough, he felt the need to ask why I was refusing to be his friend. In my mind I couldn't even hear the word friend. It all sounded like he was saying "just be my side piece for now while I figure out what I really want." It also seemed like he knew what he wanted but what he wanted was not very ethical. He probably wanted to have his cake (her) and eat it to (me). So yea every fiber in my body was ready to break loose and cry but the answer to that became no too. And it wasn't a forced kind of no, it was a calm "I deserve better than this" no.
So I laughed when I saw the tweet because it made me think of my own situation. To be fair when I saw the tweet, I was on the verge of balling my eyes out so let's just say that tweet and my pride helped put me back in check today.
What won't your pride let you do? Share your stories on the blog.
Photocreds for the cover image: Miss Poppy Design